MISTAKE #1: Chased a guy
Elementary (5th-6th Grade)
Boy, was I naive.
I mean, I can't really blame my ten-year-old self, but come on.
What am I even talking about? Sorry, I got carried away.
There was this guy in my class. I liked him. He liked me.
At least, that's what he kept telling me.
We never talked in class, but we did after school through social media. In fact, I backread our conversations while writing this piece.
Terrible idea.
The messages were painfully cringe, but they also reminded me just how much that guy played me.
Got played at the ripe old age of ten. Incredible.
Our conversations followed a very scientific pattern: I'd spend days trying to get him to admit he liked me, he'd finally admit it, and then a few days later he'd decide he didn't anymore.
Then we'd do it all over again.
(I'll be dedicating an entire piece to this little bitch someday.)
But here's what I don't understand:
Why are boys so confident behind a screen, yet the moment they're standing in front of you, it's like they've signed a legal agreement not to speak?
Online, they're poets.
In person, they're decorative.
Men are cowards.
They really are.
And oh, wait. It doesn't stop at Elementary. It continues MOSTLY in Highschool. In college, not as much, but still happens.
MISTAKE #2: Did a violation for a guy
High School (7th grade)
First week in high school, this guy comes up to tell me he likes me. Guy was cute, very tall. Instant campus crush.
A few weeks later, I got a message from him, asking me if I could do his homework for him cause he's out to play basketball with his friends.
Of course, naive little baby girl did it. I didn't even like the guy, but I liked it when he complimented me. And he did when I did his homework. Melted me at that time.
Fast forward to a couple days later, our parents were called out to the principal's office. Nice.
MISTAKE #3: Believe a guy (oh gosh when will the mistakes enddd)
High School (8th grade)
There's this guy I like. Really cute. I actually forgot, but somehow, we got together.
We weren't "officially dating", but yeah, we liked each other.
After a few weeks, got the ick, and stopped talking to him.
The guy basically went after me for a whole year, and the year after.
Sending all these long-ass messages on how much he 'loved' me and shit, and that I was the only girl for him.
Of course, naive little baby me possessed me again and believed him.
Only to find out he was talking to other girls too, sending the EXACT SAME paragraphs he sent me. Cool.
MISTAKE #4: Fall for a fucking guy
High School (9th grade)
If you were to ask me what school year in my life was the worst? It would be this one.
I transferred into a new school, guy started to like me, I liked him back, we dated.
We only lasted a couple months but damn was it the worst months in my entire life.
A couple days in a relationship, we already started kissing.
"Um, what's wrong with that? You two are dating." Well SORRY for, I don't know, wanting to wait for a couple weeks longer?
I was eager to get to know his character, he was eager to get to explore my mouth.
A couple weeks in, I start falling for him more and more, and his hands are starting to get touchy more and more.
Now, it was my first boyfriend ever. All the boys I talked to before were all as it is: talk. So I wasn't really sure if it was okay for him to do all these.
All I knew was that couples do kiss, they hold hands, and go on dates. I wasn't sure about the touching thing (I was raised to think that only married couples can do those).
After a couple months, he was actually asking for it. And I started to become very uncomfortable, but at the same time couldn't say no. Cause growing up, I've always wanted the one relationship only thing. And I didn't want to lose him that way.
So he kept on telling me it's okay, that we're a couple, and that couples do these things. And naive little baby had no idea what to do.
So I let him do a couple things, I let him touch me, but that's it.
I know that this was supposed to feel good and special, but it was the worst feeling ever.
I wanted to puke every time, I started to feel dirty and disgusted by myself. But I let him be cause I thought I loved the guy.
If it weren't for a senior friend I had, I wouldn't have the courage to finally break it off.
The relationship ended, but the uncomfortable feeling was still there.
MISTAKE #idek anymore: Blame Myself
I couldn't even call it trauma cause, I thought to myself, maybe I was also at fault.
If I was uncomfortable, why didn't I tell him? Why didn't I stop him?
It was a glass shard that I couldn't take off up until now.
Looking back, it's funny.
I spent years blaming myself for chasing boys, believing boys, helping boys, loving boys.
I called them mistakes.
Some of them were.
But the older I get, the more I realize that being trusting isn't a character flaw.
Wanting to be loved isn't a character flaw.
Believing people when they tell you they care isn't a character flaw.
Maybe my biggest mistake wasn't chasing a guy.
Maybe it was spending years convincing myself that every bad thing that happened was somehow my fault.
And if you're reading this while carrying your own glass shard around, wondering whether you should've known better, said no louder, left sooner, or been smarter,
Please be kinder to yourself than I was to mine. ❤️🩹
Men, Unfortunately 🙄
P.S.
The stories I shared and am about to share in the future are all real.
For the longest time, I called these my mistakes. Looking back, some of them were. Some of them weren't.
Some were just the result of being young, naive, wanting to be loved, wanting to be liked, or not knowing any better.
I'm sharing these experiences because if you've ever found yourself in a similar situation, confused, uncomfortable, pressured, or blaming yourself for something that happened, you should know you're not alone.
Maybe you'll learn from my mistakes.
Maybe you'll realize some of them weren't mistakes at all.